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Living, healing and thriving after covert abuse.
June 20 2024
Ruth Darlene of WomenSV on the Role of Education in Covert Abuse and Domestic Violence Prevention
Ruth Darlene is the founder and Executive Director of nonprofit WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), which is dedicated to educating survivors, providers and the general public about subtle forms of abuse such as covert abuse and coercive control. Since founding the organization in 2011, she has personally advocated for over 1500 survivors and trained thousands of law enforcement, domestic violence advocacy, therapy, healthcare, education and technology providers. She believes that education is the best form of prevention especially when it comes to covert abuse and coercive control.
"Learn the signs of covert abuse and coercive control because when it comes to this type of violence, education is the best form of prevention. Prevention is the new intervention! Learn the signs of covert abuse and it can keep you and your children safer and protect you from the fallout of living with a covert abuser," Ruth Darlene explains.
Reognizing Covert Abuse and Coercive Control
What is Covert Abuse? Covert abuse is a type of psychological and emotional manipulation that is not immediately apparent. Unlike overt abuse, which is blatant and often physical, covert abuse is subtle, making it harder to identify and prove. The abuser uses indirect tactics to control and manipulate the victim, often leaving them feeling confused, anxious, and doubting their own reality.
Examples of Covert Abuse:
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is one of the most pernicious forms of covert abuse. It involves the abuser manipulating the victim's perception of reality, making them question their own memory, sanity, and perception. For instance, an abuser might insist that a conversation never happened or that the victim is imagining things, leading the victim to doubt their own mind and feel increasingly dependent on the abuser for a sense of reality. Ruth Darlene describes gaslighting as "getting inside someone's head and causing them to doubt their memory, their perception of what happened, their perception of reality. Over time, they start to doubt their own sanity."
Silent Treatment: The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where the abuser intentionally ignores the victim to punish or control them. This tactic can be extremely distressing for the victim, who may feel invisible, unworthy, and desperate to regain the abuser’s attention and approval. The abuser uses this method to exert power and create a sense of uncertainty and anxiety in the victim.
Undermining: Undermining involves the abuser subtly demeaning the victim’s confidence or abilities. This can occur through backhanded compliments, constant criticism disguised as 'helpful advice,' or comparing the victim unfavorably to others. Over time, these actions erode the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth, making them more reliant on the abuser’s approval and less likely to trust their own judgment.
Triangulation: Triangulation is a tactic where the abuser brings a third party into the relationship dynamic to create jealousy, insecurity, or rivalry. For example, the abuser might flirt with someone else in front of the victim or compare the victim to someone else, fostering feelings of inadequacy and competition. This not only isolates the victim but also strengthens the abuser's control.
Projection: Projection occurs when the abuser accuses the victim of the very behaviors and intentions that they themselves are guilty of. This can include accusing the victim of being unfaithful, dishonest, or manipulative. By projecting their own negative traits onto the victim, the abuser deflects blame and guilt, causing the victim to question their own integrity and behavior.
Minimizing and Dismissing: In this tactic, the abuser downplays the victim’s feelings, experiences, or achievements. They might say things like, "You're overreacting," or "It's not a big deal," to dismiss the victim’s concerns and emotions. This form of covert abuse invalidates the victim’s experiences and feelings, making them feel insignificant and unheard.
Love Bombing and Devaluation: Love bombing involves showering the victim with excessive affection, attention, and flattery to create a sense of dependence and attachment. Once the victim is hooked, the abuser abruptly shifts to devaluation, criticizing and withdrawing affection. This creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows, keeping the victim off balance and emotionally dependent on the abuser.
Recognizing these behaviors as forms of abuse is essential. They are not just harmful but can be profoundly damaging to the victim's mental and emotional health. Education and awareness are key to identifying and addressing covert abuse effectively.
"With covert abuse, it can be harder to identify because the evidence, the proof is internal," explains Ruth Darlene. "It's, how are you feeling as a result of what's going on in this relationship? Are you feeling like you're walking on eggshells? Are you having to edit what you say before you say it? Are you feeling afraid, unsafe, like a prisoner in your own home? Are you feeling programmed, like you have to put things in a certain way? Or if you talk about finances, for example, it's going to set off an argument? Or if the dishwasher breaks, there's going to be hell to pay. Or if you make a mistake, if you bring up a topic that he doesn't want to talk about like marriage or money or something breaking, is that going to set him off? So you're having to be very careful about what you say or what you do. Your spontaneity, your creativity, your happiness, your independence have all been impacted."
"With covert abuse, it's not just what they say, it's what they don't say. It's not just what they do, it's what they don't do. It's not just what you know, it's what you don't know that can hurt you. Learn the signs of covert abuse. Like an invisible, poisonous fog, it can seep inside you and do so much damage to yourself and to your children. So learn the signs. Listen to your gut. What is he doing? What is he saying? What is he not doing? What is he not saying? How are you filling in the blanks and making assumptions that may not be correct because while he may tell the truth, it may not be the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You've got to dig beneath the surface and the covert abuser is relying on the fact that most of us don't do that." Ruth Darlene emphasizes that learning the warning signs of covert abuse and listening to your intuition could change - or save - your life.
What is Coercive Control? Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instill fear and compliance in a victim. Unlike physical abuse, which may be sporadic, coercive control is a continuous and deliberate pattern of behavior that seeks to isolate, manipulate, and control the victim. It often involves a combination of tactics aimed at eroding the victim’s autonomy and sense of self.
"It's a pattern of controlling, isolating and threatening behavior," explains Ruth Darlene. "It can range from emotional abuse and sophisticated forms of gaslighting all the way to strangulation and everything in between. So emotional, financial, legal, technological, spiritual, sexual or physical abuse. All of it is encompassed in the term coercive control, but it doesn't necessarily have to involve physical violence. And so it doesn't necessarily involve forensic evidence which makes it harder to recognize, harder to identify, harder to report and harder to get protection around. It is a lethality risk nonetheless."
Examples of Coercive Control:
Isolation: The abuser systematically cuts the victim off from their support network of family and friends. This can include forbidding the victim from seeing or communicating with loved ones, moving them to a remote location, or creating conflicts between the victim and their support network. Isolation makes the victim more dependent on the abuser and reduces the chances of them seeking help.
Financial Control: The abuser exerts control over the victim's finances to increase dependency and limit their freedom. This can involve taking control of the victim’s bank accounts, limiting their access to money, forbidding them from working, or monitoring their spending. Financial control can leave the victim feeling trapped and unable to leave the abusive relationship due to lack of resources.
Monitoring and Surveillance: The abuser keeps a close watch on the victim’s movements, communications, and activities. This can include reading the victim’s emails and messages, tracking their location through GPS, or installing surveillance cameras in the home. Constant monitoring creates a sense of being watched and controlled, making the victim feel they have no privacy or autonomy.
Threats and Intimidation: The abuser uses threats of harm, both direct and implied, to instill fear and compliance in the victim. This can involve threatening to harm the victim, their loved ones, or pets. The abuser might also threaten to spread false information, take away the victim’s children, or report them to authorities with fabricated claims. These threats create a climate of fear that keeps the victim in a state of constant anxiety.
Deprivation of Basic Needs: The abuser controls the victim’s access to essential needs such as food, clothing, and medical care. This can include denying the victim adequate food, sleep, or medical attention. By controlling these basic needs, the abuser further establishes dominance and control over the victim’s life.
Manipulation of Children: In relationships where children are involved, the abuser may use the children as a tool to control and manipulate the victim. This can include making false allegations about the victim’s parenting, manipulating the children’s perceptions of the victim, or threatening to take the children away. This form of coercive control not only affects the victim but also has a profound impact on the children.
Gaslighting and Psychological Manipulation: Similar to covert abuse, gaslighting and other forms of psychological manipulation are key tactics in coercive control. The abuser creates a reality in which the victim’s perceptions and beliefs are constantly questioned, making them doubt their sanity and increasing their reliance on the abuser for a sense of reality.
Sexual Coercion: The abuser uses sexual interactions as a means of control. This can include forcing the victim to engage in sexual activities against their will, using sex as a bargaining tool, or shaming and demeaning the victim’s sexual performance. Sexual coercion further dehumanizes and dominates the victim, reinforcing the abuser’s control.
Public Humiliation: The abuser publicly shames, teases or humiliates the victim to diminish their self-worth and create a sense of powerlessness. This can involve mocking, belittling, or discrediting the victim in front of others. Public humiliation isolates the victim further by damaging their reputation and making them feel unsupported by their social circle.
Coercive control is particularly dangerous because it creates an environment of total domination, where the victim feels powerless to resist or escape. It is a comprehensive strategy to undermine the victim’s sense of self and autonomy, making them completely dependent on the abuser.
The Importance of Education Around Covert Abuse and Coercive Control
Until recently, subtle forms of abuse like covert abuse and coercive control were not widely discussed or recognized. Traditional narratives around domestic violence focused primarily on physical abuse, leaving a significant gap in understanding the more insidious forms of manipulation and control that occur in many relationships. This lack of awareness has profound implications for survivors and the professionals tasked with supporting them.
Recognition and Awareness: Education is crucial in helping survivors recognize the signs of covert abuse and coercive control. These forms of abuse often go unnoticed because they are not as overt as physical violence. Without knowledge of what constitutes covert abuse—such as gaslighting, silent treatment, or financial control—survivors may not even realize they are being abused. Education empowers them with the awareness needed to identify abusive behaviors, understand that these behaviors are unacceptable, and realize that they deserve support and safety.
Support and Resources: With increased education and awareness, survivors learn that help is available and that they don’t have to endure abuse alone. Knowing about the resources and support systems in place, such as those provided by WomenSV, can make a significant difference. Education bridges the gap between experiencing abuse and seeking help, ensuring that survivors are aware of their options and can make informed decisions about their safety and well-being.
Professional Training: Currently, there is little to no legislation requiring therapists, doctors, or law enforcement to learn about coercive control. This is a critical oversight, as professionals are often the first point of contact for survivors seeking help. Without adequate training, these professionals may miss the subtle signs of coercive control and covert abuse, potentially leaving survivors without the necessary support. Education in these fields is essential to ensure that professionals can identify and respond appropriately to all forms of abuse, not just physical violence.
Lethality Risk: Coercive control can pose a serious lethality risk to survivors, even in the absence of physical violence. The constant manipulation, monitoring, and threats can escalate to physical harm or worse. Educating both the public and professionals about the dangers of coercive control can lead to earlier interventions, potentially saving lives. Understanding that these behaviors are serious and potentially deadly shifts the narrative from seeing them as minor issues to recognizing them as critical threats to the survivor’s safety.
Cultural Shift: Broadening the understanding of domestic violence to include covert abuse and coercive control requires a cultural shift. Education plays a pivotal role in this transformation, challenging outdated perceptions and fostering a more comprehensive view of what abuse entails. As society becomes more educated about these issues, the stigma associated with speaking out against non-physical abuse diminishes, encouraging more survivors to seek help and more communities to support them.
Education around covert abuse and coercive control is essential for recognizing these subtle forms of abuse, providing appropriate support and resources, training professionals effectively, understanding the serious risks involved, and fostering a cultural shift towards comprehensive awareness and intervention. Ruth Darlene and WomenSV’s efforts in educating the public and professionals are paving the way for a safer and more informed society.
Specialized Considerations for Therapy and Support
Working with survivors of covert abuse and coercive control requires specialized knowledge and approaches. Traditional couples therapy, for instance, may not be suitable when one partner is a covert abuser or coercive controller. In such cases, the abuser’s manipulative tendencies can undermine the therapy process, making it more harmful than beneficial.
Ruth Darlene stresses that therapists need to be vigilant and educated about these dynamics. They should focus on empowering the survivor individually and creating a safe environment where they can speak freely about their experiences without the abuser’s influence.
Key Considerations for Therapists:
Individual Therapy: Prioritize individual therapy sessions for the survivor to ensure their safety and autonomy, and consider looking into specialized support groups.
Abuser Accountability: Address the abuser’s behavior separately, emphasizing accountability and change.
Safety Planning: Develop comprehensive safety plans for survivors, considering their unique circumstances and needs.
Ruth Darlene’s Impact and Legacy
Since founding WomenSV, Ruth Darlene has personally advocated for over 1500 survivors and trained thousands of professionals across various fields. Her work has not only provided immediate support to those in need but has also fostered a deeper understanding and awareness of covert abuse and coercive control in the broader community.
Through her educational initiatives and advocacy, Ruth Darlene has made significant strides in shifting the narrative around domestic violence. She has highlighted the importance of recognizing non-physical forms of abuse and the serious risks they pose.
Key Achievements of WomenSV:
Training programs that have reached thousands of professionals.
A robust online presence with educational content accessible to a global audience.
Directly advocating for over 1500 survivors.
Moving Forward: The Future of Domestic Violence Prevention
Ruth Darlene continues to expand her efforts, constantly seeking new ways to educate and empower. The future of domestic violence prevention lies in the continued dissemination of knowledge and the cultivation of a society that understands and takes covert abuse and coercive control seriously.
By supporting organizations like WomenSV and spreading awareness about these issues, we can all contribute to a safer, more informed world where survivors are supported and abusers are held accountable.
How You Can Help
If you want to support Ruth Darlene and WomenSV in their mission, consider:
Educating Yourself: Learn about covert abuse and coercive control through WomenSV’s resources.
Spreading Awareness: Share educational content with your network to raise awareness. With the goal of raising public awareness about covert abuse and coercive control, WomenSV shares educational videos on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and TikTok, and articles on their website and Pinterest.
Supporting Financially: Donate to WomenSV to help them continue their vital work.
For more information, visit WomenSV’s website and explore their resources.