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Living, healing and thriving after covert abuse.
JUNE 14 2023
RECOGNIZING AND RESPONDING TO COVERT ABUSE TACTICS
Fool me once... listen, we're not about shaming anyone here. But let's face it, one of the most chilling aspects of covert abuse is how so many different toxic relationship stories share similar traits. In this article, we're sharing lessons we've learned (the hard way) on how to recognize and respond to some of the most common covert abuse tactics.
Covert abuse refers to a form of psychological manipulation and control that occurs within intimate relationships. Unlike physical abuse, covert abuse is often subtle, hidden, and harder to recognize. It involves tactics aimed at undermining the victim's self-esteem, independence, and autonomy. It's important to shed light on these tactics to empower ourselves and others in breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
Here are some common covert abuse tactics to watch out for:
1. Gaslighting: This insidious tactic involves the abuser manipulating the victim's perception of reality. They may deny or twist events, make the victim question their memory or sanity, and constantly invalidate their feelings. Recognizing gaslighting is crucial in reclaiming your truth and regaining your self-confidence.
2. Silent treatment: The abuser may use the silent treatment as a means of control and punishment. They intentionally ignore the victim, withhold affection, and emotionally distance themselves, leaving the victim feeling anxious, confused, and desperate for their attention. Understanding this tactic helps to break the cycle of seeking validation from someone who refuses to give it.
3. Projection: Abusers often project their own negative qualities onto their victims. They accuse the victim of behaviors or thoughts that they themselves exhibit, deflecting responsibility and shifting blame. Recognizing projection can help you maintain your self-worth and prevent internalizing false accusations.
4. Manipulative charm: Covert abusers can be master manipulators, appearing charming and caring to the outside world. They create a stark contrast between their public persona and their private treatment of their victims, which can make it difficult for others to believe the victim's experiences. Understanding this tactic helps you trust your own experiences and not be swayed by the abuser's false facade.
Now that we have identified some common covert abuse tactics, let's explore potential ways to respond and break free from the cycle:
1. Grey rock: This technique involves becoming emotionally unresponsive and neutral, like a "grey rock." By limiting your reactions and interactions with the abuser, you reduce their ability to manipulate and control you.
2. No contact: Cutting off all contact with the abuser is often necessary for healing and reclaiming your life. It may involve changing phone numbers, blocking them on social media, and avoiding places where you might encounter them. No contact allows you to create a safe space for yourself and focus on your own well-being.
3. Safety planning: Developing a safety plan is essential, especially if leaving the abusive relationship is not immediately possible. It involves identifying safe places to go, confiding in trusted friends, family members or advocates, and having a plan in case of emergencies.
4. Self-care and recovery: Once you have escaped the abusive situation, the journey to healing and recovery truly begins. Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Seek therapy or counseling to help process the trauma and rebuild your life on your own terms.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out to support networks, helplines, or local organizations that specialize in assisting domestic abuse survivors. By sharing our experiences and knowledge, we empower each other to recognize and overcome covert abuse, paving the way for healthier and happier lives.
Together, we can break free from the chains of covert abuse and create a future filled with love, respect, and genuine happiness.
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