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Living, healing and thriving after covert abuse.
JUly 6 2023
Recognizing Gaslighting in Relationships
"Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative con artists and covert abusers to cause their victims to doubt their perception of reality, their memory and, over time, their sanity," explains Ruth Patrick Darlene, founder of Los Altos based nonprofit WomenSV. Gaslighting is a manipulative psychological tactic that can occur in various relationships, such as romantic partnerships, friendships, family dynamics, or even in professional settings. It involves one individual systematically undermining another person's perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own thoughts, emotions, and experiences. In this article, we will explore some common examples of gaslighting within relationships, shedding light on these toxic behaviors and providing a foundation for recognizing and addressing them.
Downplaying feelings and experiences: One prevalent gaslighting technique is when a person undermines or dismisses their partner's emotions or experiences. For instance, if someone expresses their hurt over a hurtful comment, the gaslighter might respond with phrases like, "You're just too sensitive" or "You're overreacting." By minimizing the other person's feelings, the gaslighter attempts to invalidate their emotions, leading the victim to question their own reactions and believe that they are at fault.
Blatant denial of events: Gaslighters often deny events or conversations that have occurred, making the victim doubt their memory or perception. "Gaslighting is a process. It's not one thing that a person does," explains psychologist Dr. Ramani. "It's a denial of reality and that can often look like lying." For instance, a gaslighter might say, "That never happened; you're making it up" or "You're imagining things." By distorting reality, the gaslighter gains control over the narrative and undermines the victim's confidence in their own recollection of events. Over time, the victim may start questioning their memory, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
Shifting blame and deflecting responsibility: Another form of gaslighting involves shifting blame onto the victim or deflecting responsibility for their actions. For example, if the victim confronts their partner about an issue, the gaslighter might respond by saying, "You made me do it" or "If you weren't so difficult, this wouldn't have happened." By manipulating the blame, the gaslighter evades accountability for their behavior, leaving the victim feeling guilty and responsible for the problems in the relationship.
Creating doubt and confusion: Gaslighters excel at creating confusion and sowing doubt in the minds of their victims. They may contradict themselves, provide false information, or give mixed signals to make the victim question their own judgment. For instance, a gaslighter might say one thing but then deny ever saying it, leaving the victim feeling disoriented and unsure of their own perceptions. By undermining their sense of reality, gaslighters maintain control and power in the relationship.
Isolating and alienating the victim: Gaslighters often employ tactics to isolate their victims from external support systems. They may discourage or prevent their partner from spending time with friends or family, leading the victim to become solely dependent on the gaslighter. By cutting off these external relationships, the gaslighter gains more influence over the victim's thoughts and emotions, making it easier to manipulate and control them.
Recognizing gaslighting is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. By being aware of these manipulative tactics, individuals can protect themselves from falling into the trap of self-doubt, confusion, and emotional distress. It is essential to remember that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and nobody deserves to be subjected to such behavior. If you suspect gaslighting in your relationship, consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional who can provide guidance and assistance in navigating this challenging situation.